i may or may not be watching the land before time
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
