i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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