his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
