Small penises have feelings too.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
