Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
