The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Randomize
