I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
