That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
