Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
