So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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