im drinking this country out of the recession.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
