just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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