Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
