Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
