I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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