I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
