I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
