u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
