Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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