my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
