It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
