so that wasnt chicken after all
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
