I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
