we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
