This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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