Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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