I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
