Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
