FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
