Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
