dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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