I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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