if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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