After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
