Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
