Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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