i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I think I sprained my soul last night
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
