if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
