Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
