you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
