i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
