Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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