Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
