i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
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