Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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