you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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