please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
