I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
