Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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