also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
