I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
