my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
