this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
