we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
