After last night, I could never be a politician.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
