I feel like I'm in dance class right now
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
